What's this unconditional love rubbish?

Humans yearn for unconditional love. It's an ego thing. To be loved for who you are, warts and all, with unquestioning devotion. You can't get that from another human. There has to be a bit of quid pro quo going on.

So you placate yourself by believing that a dog gives unconditional love. Selfless, adoring, undemanding love. No strings attached.

What tommy-rot!

It assumes that we show pure, non-judgmental affection through enthusiastic greetings, licks and following you everywhere.

It assumes that doglets are limpid, doe-eyed shadows of our mistress or master, incapable of a fulfilling life without said mistress or master. Our only happiness is the happiness of said mistress or master.

Fiddle-faddle.

You use words like loyal, faithful, bonding, no questions asked, selfless, one-of-the-family, always-by-my-side. That's your interpretation, not ours.

Let's get things straight. You feed me. You give me a soft, comfortable bed, preferably your bed. You show me a sad face when you are leaving the house. You give me the biggest smile and open arms when you return. You let me watch TV next to you on the sofa. You give me treats regularly. You make me feel that I am the centre of your universe. Not the other way round.

I reward you with happy jumps, tapping paws, wagging my tail when I see you, rolling on my back. Don't let those dog trainer psychologists tell you that it's because I trust you so I will expose myself in such a helpless position. I want a tummy tickle. Don't believe it is unconditional love. They are my tricks of the trade.

Don't get me wrong. I like living with you because of above. But I won't like living with you if you cease any of above. And I'll let you know in no uncertain terms.