Sorry, mum, I farted

Passing wind is perfectly natural. Flatulence. Gas. Flatus. I don't know what the big fuss is. "Ughhhh, Lochy, you farted," she says, stating the bleeding obvious.

Problem is my farts smell and she doesn't like the smell.

I don't mean to fart, they just slip out, usually when I am sleeping. Quietly, like wearing slippers. Better an empty house than a bad tenant, as I heard a man with a funny eye say.

Here's the conundrum? To fart or not to fart. My body just does what it wants to do.

Smells are interesting, anyway. I like smelling. When I am walking, I smell lamp posts, weeds, other dogs, humans, fences, walls. Everything smells.

When we're at home, I can smell when she takes cheese out of the fridge. My favoritest food. I want some and if I look longingly at her with my deep brown soulful irresistible eyes then she gives me a bit. Not too much, she always says.

The other smell I like is the beach especially the clumps of seaweed. When we run along the beach, I love to breathe in deep and smell the salt. It makes my nose tingle. Beaches are great for smelling. There are always lots of dogs because it's a dog beach - drrrrrrr. And because we are on the edge of the ocean, we usually have wet hair and that has a smell that you don't get with dry hair. I like it.

And when we go to other people's houses, I like to have a good sniff. Every house is different. If we've been there before, I go around and sniff all the familiar smells especially if they have a dog. But I like new smells too. I try and guess the smell. Animal. Mineral. Vegetable.

My bed smells of me. Best smell of all. She says I smell of roasted almonds. I am not a smelly dog. And I don't have bad breath. Nothing worse than sniffing another dog who needs a bath. Stale dog is not very nice.

Nor is bad breath. Ugh. Once a lady picked me up to cuddle me and her face was really close to my nose and her mouth smell made my eyes crinkle. Garlic! Allyl methyl sulphide which is made when we metabolise garlic's sulphur-containing compounds. This goes for dogs and humans. Our liver and intestines cannot digest it, so it's absorbed into the bloodstream. Then it travels to the lungs and skin and makes our breath and sweat smell. Someone should tell her to eat parsley but I think parsley was too late for her. Pongy pong. (How do I know this - being the most intelligent dog in the world helps.)

I like my human mum smell. It's not the same as my dog mum smell but now that I am used to it, I know it means food, comfort and security which as everyone knows are most important for us dogs.