I'm guilty. Of murder.

I admit, I did it. It wasn't premeditated but second degree murder. I pee-ed on a ferny-type plant and killed it. Guilt of plantslaughter.

Honestly, I didn't realise my pee was so lethal.

Needless to say, I was sentenced to severe looks of annoyance and anger. Sentenced to not-in-the-good-books. Because of one destructive action.

So, from now on, I need to make sure I pee on inanimate objects. Posts, chair legs, table legs, garden pots, brick walls, fences.

Funny, when I do pee on fences, my pee doesn’t seem to murder the weeds and grass growing at the bottom. Note to self: do not pee on delicate plants.

Maybe, that's why humans don't urinate (posh word for peeing) randomly. They're bigger, so their pee is probably more poisonous, and more of it. They don't want to be accused of murder of living plants.

Although, I have heard that peeing on lemon trees helps them grow and produce better fruit because urine contains nitrogen, phosphorus and potassium. Easy for a human man, tricky for a human woman (probably why I have never seen my human mum squatting under our lemon tree).

It's much harder for human women. A man can just stand on the back of a boat and let go. What's a woman to do? Very precariously  squat perched on the gunwale of the boat hoping no waves or wake from passing boats knocks her off.

Urine has high concentrations of salts and metabolic waste. So, I have an alibi, it could have been the salts or metabolic waste that killed the ferny plant.  Forensic work was not undertaken.

It wasn't me, after all. I plead (pee-ed) not guilty, as accused.