I am NOT a human being

I could have told her that, but she has spent money for another human to tell her.

The trainer came this week with a big bag full of tantalising smells. I couldn't keep my nose away. She is very official with a Dog Trainer badge on her shirt.

First, they sat and talked about me. Never asked me what I thought.

"I want him to come to me on command. I'd like to let him off his lead and know he will run back to me."

"We can deal with that."

"And I want him not to bark when people visit and I am talking to them. He always wants to be the centre of attention."

"We can deal with that."

And then it was on. The trainer opened her bag and out came all sorts of treats. She called them low level, high level and extra special treats.

Low level treats were easy. All I had to do was sit and take dry bits from here hand when she said my name. I've done that before.

High level meant I had to follow her around the room. Well, I don't follow anyone if I don't feel like it. But they were really yummy meaty pieces so I did follow her. Most of the time.

Extra special were little bits of cheese. Well, I would have jumped through hoops for a piece of cheese. So when she called "Lochy" and waited for me to walk up and sit at her feet, I did.

And she kept looking at me. Staring into my eyes. So I stared back. I am a good starer, especially if I know I am going to get a treat.

The trainer said that I am a dog and not a person. I am only concerned with food, comfort and safety. If any of those are missing then I become stressed which means I bark, pant and, if it's really bad, I can go into flight-fight-attack.

Little does she know. I am the most intelligent dog in the world. I think about all sorts of deep philosophical questions, like why am I getting chicken today when yesterday I had beef mince; how long can I hang on before I go outside for a pee; and how can I get her attention because I want to be the most important creature in her life.

So now, we go through a ritual, three times a day. Even my evening meal is not in a bowl anymore. She hand feeds me.

Eye contact. Say my name. Treat.

I put up with it because I want the treats, especially my food at night.

This is going to go on for three weeks and then the trainer will return. I am going to show them that I am the best trained dog in the world. I can do this. But can she last the distance!?