Humans should sniff bottoms

That's how dogs do it. We meet a dog, have a good sniff around the nether regions, and decide if we want to be friends or move on and leave each other to the rest of our separate lives.

Why can't humans do that? Have a good sniff, decide if you want to be friends or do deals with and leave the rest of us alone. The world would be a much better place.

I sniff at least three or four bottoms when I go for a walk. Sometimes they just don't interest me, there is nothing more to explore, no connection. And others smell like we could get on really well.

I could teach you how to do it. Not the sniffing, a nose is a nose, but using smells to suss out people.

You already do it with pheromones - miniscule airborne molecules that send signals about your moods and your genetic makeup and elicit a reaction in a member of the same species. If a human sniffs a polar bear, it won't work.

Problem is you are only using your aphrodisiac pheromones, like androstenone, to help you find people you'd like to bonk. You need to expand your olfactory receptiveness to use all your pheromones to test all humans.

Some dogs smell sweet, like flowers or vanilla others smell repulsive like rotting vegetables. You walk away from rotting vegetables. Everyone is different. One dog's vanilla smell is another dog's rotting vegetables. It has nothing to do with size, shape, hairiness or breed. Some of the sweetest smelling dogs who I have met are big brutes and the most repulsive dog I ever sniffed was a Chihuahua, half my size.

Of course, family smells sweetest. My sister, Mindy, and my adopted son, Bertie, who can't be my adopted son anymore because we now know he is my half-brother. That's why we had an instant connection. He smelled so sweet.

I want you all to practice. Next time you are standing close to someone, have a good sniff. Breathe deep and feel the smell. If you don't like it, smile politely and excuse yourself. There's nothing worse that having to be close to a nasty smell.

If you like their smell, making eye contact is the next step to a good relationship. Ask any dog.