Conversations with my human mum

They're not really conversations, more like monologues. She does the talking and I look at her attentively while she rattles on. She's looking at me so I assume she expects me to pay attention. Who knows, humans can be tricky to read.

"You know the rules, Lochy. We put on your harness and seat belt when you are in the car. We don't want you going through the windscreen if we have an accident. You'd end up being a very red West Highland Terrier instead of a White West Highland Terrier."

"Why are you barking? We don't like barking. Do you have something to say? No? Are there burg-a-lars? No. Are there rats invading? No. Well, why are you barking?"

"That's done. No thanks to you. You're the one who deposits little balls of white fluff in the corners of the rooms and then I have to vacuum them up. If it's not you, then where do they come from? They're not mine. I am not a particularly hairy person and my hair is vibrant mouse, not white. So they belong to you. And you are no help. You run away and curl up in the corner of the wardrobe. Are you afraid of the big bad vacuum cleaner that makes so much noise. You are such a wuss."

"Lochy, why are you looking at my like that? You have that distrustful look out the side of your eyes as if you are not impressed with me. Well, I am not impressed with you. Why aren't you out guarding the castle and defending us from marauding rats and skulking cats, instead of lying on the bed waiting for a tummy tickle."

"We can’t go for a walk. It’s too hot. 40 degrees hot. Don’t twitch your ears because I said ‘walk’. Go outside and feel how hot it is. Your paws will burn. I know I should have woken up earlier and taken you for a walk when it was cooler, but I didn’t. So that’s the way it is."

"Lochy, why are you lying in the sun. It’s 38 degrees and you are lying in the sun. You are a crazy dog."

"Lochy, do you want a Greenie?" Of course I fuckin' want a Greenie. Do I ever not want a Greenie? "Come on. Take it outside." Of course, I’ll friggin’ take it outside. You’ve told me enough times. "Finished already?" Yes. Drrrr. It's only a Greenie for heaven's sake. Anyone would think she'd given me a leg of lamb.